Hello, my beautiful people! How are you this Monday (or whenever you’re reading this)?
I can confidently say that I’m ok, or rather on my way to being 100% ok. Apologies for not posting last week. Your girl was going through IT! Yes, the ‘IT’ has been capitalised because it deserves to be.
Anyways, before I ramble on and on, let’s get into today’s topic. I don’t know what exactly to call it. A topic? A discussion? I don’t know, but let’s stick to topic for now.
Emotions, emotions, emotions…
I’m the type of person who hates feeling any emotion that has a negative connotation, from sadness to anger, fear and anxiety. When you come to think of it, who enjoys feeling such emotions? No one, I’m guessing.
My case, however, is very different and quite drastic, I must say. I hate feeling these emotions to the point of suppressing them and pretending they don’t exist. I’ve said in the past that I’m an overly sensitive person, so how on earth can I suppress my feelings? That’s just a disaster waiting to happen.
Why do I suppress my feelings, you may ask? Well, I don’t like others to see me being anything but happy. I’m the type of person who will put up a strong front for the sake of others. I often feel like if I break, then everyone around me will too. I’m usually, the one who cracks silly jokes, acts as a confidant and lightens up the mood from time to time.
Because of this, I always think to myself, “If I fall apart today, who will make them laugh? Who will they confide in? Who will lighten up the mood?” Do you get where I’m going with this?
Additionally, I don’t like feeling like a burden to others. I oddly feel like if I disclose the issues I’m having, then I’m passing the distress on to someone else. Crazy, right?
I’ve been like this my entire life, and I always tell myself to do better because I know things won’t end well.
Last week, things did not end well for me.
The 3 Stages
I breakdown in 3 stages. The first stage is when I sense the breakdown coming up. It’s like walking on super thin ice and not knowing when it’ll break. Fear overcomes me at this point because I don’t know what to do.
The second stage is when the ice begins to crack and water seeps through. I am overcome with sadness, or what I would rather call depression at this point, and feel hopeless. It’s like I’ll never get out of that stage. Still, I refuse to cry and let it all out.
The third and final stage is when the ice breaks, I fall into the water and begin to sink. What’s surprising is that all this while, I’m still living like everything’s ok. I smile and laugh and joke around like nothing’s going on. It’s quite frightening, to say the least. During this stage, I feel tears welling up every second. When I’m washing the dishes, working out, showering, about to fall asleep… You name it. Still, I suppress them.
Eventually, I begin to drown and fully break down. It’s an ugly break down. Just so ugly, I can’t even describe it to you.
After every breakdown, I vow to myself, “never again,” but do I listen? Nope. The cycle continues.
After this recent breakdown, I told myself the same thing, which just made me angry, because I knew I wouldn’t listen.
“Why do you always have to be strong? Why do you put up a front for the sake of others? You do realise that one of the key responsibilities of your loved ones is to be there for you when you’re not ok, right? Aren’t you tired of this breaking down and fixing up and breaking down and fixing up? It’s a never-ending cycle!”
As you can see, I was irritated and extremely fed up with myself.
Because of this, I decided to take a week off from my everyday life. I put off work and just sat in my thoughts, processing what had just happened and finding ways to prevent a recurrence.
Making a change
I came up with a few coping mechanisms, which may also help you if you’re like me.
Firstly, I decided that I would take time to myself every day. Be it even for 1 minute, time would be taken off to just check in and see how I’m doing. I like talking to myself, so that’s a plus.
Secondly, I would talk to one designated person about my feelings. Just one, because I’m not comfortable with many people being all up in my bizzness. This, of course, goes hand in hand with me eradicating my thoughts of, ” sharing your emotions = being a burden.”
Thirdly, I would pray. Talking to God brings me so much peace. I can’t describe how free I feel afterwards.
Lastly, I relax. I just chill out and binge-watch my favourite series or read some feel-good books. It’s important to unwind, guys. Even if it’s just for 10 minutes. It’s important.
I write this super duper long post in hopes of someone out there learning from my mistakes. Know that your emotions are not the enemy. They are a part of you and deserve to be embraced like all parts. Never feel like they will burden others or act as a deterrent. Know that the right people in your life will be able to handle them. You just have to find these people and you’ll be set for life!
However, find your own coping mechanisms because people may not always be there when you need them. Find your own indepedence when it comes to dealing with your problems and emotions. You’re the only constant in your life.
Ultimately, know that no matter the circumstance, you can always get through it. Where there’s a will, there’s definitely a way. So don’t give up on yourself. You’ve got this! I’m rooting for you🤍🤍
Thanks for reading!
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